Day 27--The Goddess of Doing Stupid Things that Hurt

Well, maybe not "stupid" things.  Really more like hard or challenging or scary.  But it was a much catchier response to the exbf calling me a goddess than The Goddess of Doing Things That Are Hard and That She Never Thought She Could Do and That Really Hurt.

The Mudder is a month and two days away.  [Pause here for a blood curdling scream].

I celebrated my progress and my last month until The Reckoning by spending the long weekend with my adopted family.  We didn't go out for happy umbrella drinks because one of my adopted sisters is pregnant, but we did do a nice lunch and day at the spa.  Then I went with my other adopted sister to get a tattoo.  I'd seen a quote on Pinterest that really summed up this journey I'm on, and I thought it would make a really pretty tattoo. 

I was not sure where to put it, though, but thanks to Pinterest again, I decided on my left side ribcage.  All of the Pinterest people look really happy with their choice of putting their pretty tattoos there.  When I told folks I was thinking of getting one there, everyone reacted the same way: "ouch."  But really, how painful could seven little words be?

Really painful.  REALLY FRICKIN' PAINFUL. But I had a great tattoo artist and my own cheering section providing fuzzy blankets for me when I got cold and foot massages for me when the pain was tough.  Sounds like I'm telling the story of when my daughter was born.  At least I had Demerol then.  And an epidural.  Either or both would have been nice with the tattoo.  When he got to the last letter of the last word, we all cheered.  And then it was done.  And I love the way it looks, but even more than that, I am proud of myself for getting through it.

It may seem like I'm into pain lately, or maybe having a midlife crisis, but I can attest that I do not at all like things to hurt, and I'm not at all in crisis mode.  I have always avoided anything painful, and certainly never tried to do things that I knew would hurt.  If they hurt, or if I thought they might, forget it.  That's what I'm trying to change...I'm trying to make myself pain-resistant.  A kick-a$$ version of my old self.  An X-man or an Avenger.  An Immortal.  A Goddess...

"She believed she could so she did."  I've looked up the quote, trying to figure out if it comes from a movie or a book.  No luck so far, so I'm claiming it as my own.  You can accomplish anything if you believe in yourself, or put another way, if you don't believe in yourself, you'll never accomplish anything.  I chose the Mudder because it was something hard, something that would certainly be painful, something I'd have to dig deep to get through. Really really hard.  The kind of thing that most people don't do.  Two and a half months ago, I was nowhere near ready to tackle it.  But I believed that I would be by the time I get to the course on October 6th.  Now, here we are, in our last month.  I admit I'm scared.  I can't even imagine how scared I'll be the day of.  But this journey is to force me to deal with painful things and endure hard things so I can come out on the other side this amazing new stronger version of myself.   I know when I get to that finish line, I will be proud of myself for getting through it.

Your resident Goddess of Doing Stupid Things That Hurt did more than just get a tattoo this weekend.  I saw the exbf for the first time since the break up.  And it wasn't hard at all...it was so easy, actually.  Easy just like it always was.  We had a really nice visit.  It was great to know we really can be friends.  People say that all the time, but most can't really do it because it's too hard.  It wasn't hard at all to be his friend.  The painful part was that it was so easy, and that two people who have fun together and care about each other have no future.  But even though that part hurt, that was nothing new, and I was proud of myself for getting through it.

Maybe none of these things will ever truly make me resistant to pain.  I guess that's pretty impossible if you choose to still do the things that can hurt, like loving people, believing in fairy tales and happily ever after, wishing for a happy ending to your own story.  I absolutely choose to do all those things, which I guess earns me the title of Goddess of Doing Stupid Things That Hurt.  But what would life be life if I didn't?  Not the kind I will be proud of myself for getting through.

You can't avoid pain.  But if you are strong, and you have cheerleaders to help you through it, it definitely won't kill you.