It's official...officially...again!!

I should already have that orange headband and the title of BadA$$ to go along with it, but it seems like, with so many things, life got in the way.

Well, to be fair, initially it was the knee.  I really was pretty immobile after I injured it, and then reinjured it trying to see if it was done being injured.  I mean, I wasn't wheelchair bound or anything, but running was out of the question, and even my standard go-to spin classes resulted in swelling and pain, and not just the kind people normally get from sitting on those hard bike seats in class.  I don't think I could have done the Mudder with my knee the way it was last fall.

But that was the excuse I needed to fall off the wagon with my killer workout routine...and when I fell, I fell hard.  I stopped doing just about everything.  Maybe a spin class every few weeks.  And I missed it--I did--but I didn't do much because I didn't want to make the stupid knee worse.

Fast forward to my doctor visit in January--surgery is recommended, but it is possible to keep training for the Mudder with a few adjustments.  Running:  probably not possible, at least not without a brace that weighs as much as a toddler and is about as comfortable as running with two 2x4s taped around your leg.

Add in the little experiment I conducted on a couple of online dating sites, and I completely lost focus.  That is a separate story entirely for a different audience on another blog.

Anyway, I got off track.  Fell off the wagon.  I told someone it wasn't just that I fell off...I got dragged behind the wagon for a few miles, hitting every bump and rock in the road until, bruised and bloody, I got up and decided I was ready to get back on.  But I'm starting from scratch again, and that sucks, but what can you do?  Another life lesson through Mudder Training--you may fall down, you may get banged up, but as long as you're breathing, you can get back up and try again.

So this is me, getting back up, and trying again.

Several little things led to the decision to spend the $140 to register again for the Mudder even with a bum knee.  Thankfully, none of them was heartbreak.  That sure was a bitch to get through.  No, the knee is the only part of me in pieces this year.

Part of it is finishing what I started last year, part of it is needing something to focus on, part of it is wanting to  do something most people never try to do....lots of great reasons exist to do it, but it seems that everyday lately we are reminded that life can change in the blink of an eye, and it's really time to go out and live life and not just survive it.  I may have quoted Crazy Mel from Braveheart before (it's a long blog...who can keep up??), but his "All men die.  Not all men really live," quote inspired me to run a half marathon a few years ago.  And it's just as applicable here.

Maybe your idea of living isn't sloshing through mud and running through fire and swimming through icy water and getting electrocuted within feet of the finish line of this crazy race called The Tough Mudder--I really was worried that I might die doing this race last year.

I know now that I won't.

Because I know the girl inside of me who I want to be is a BadA$$ who doesn't mind a little mud, a little fire, a little ice, and a little shock.  She's a girl who wants to challenge herself to be stronger than she ever though she could be.  A girl who doesn't listen when people tell her she can't do something.  A girl whose resolve doesn't waiver when people tell her she's crazy.

I want the orange headband.  Because to get it, I have to become that girl.

Alright, enough Ra-Ra inspirational bull$hit for one day...I'm doing this thing.  Who's with me??

Day 3: I am a rock. (I am an island).

If you remember that song, you're officially old.  To my credit.  I remembered the song, but not who sang it (Simon and Garfunkel), so maybe I can still pass myself off as not old.  As I was typing "I am a rock," I heard "I am an eye-eye-eye-eye-land" in my head.  I knew it had to be one of those old folksy 70s bands; just couldn't place which one.  For those too young, too cool, or both to know what song I'm referencing, here's a handy dandy link for your convenience.  I AM A ROCK

Back to why I am a rock, not necessarily an eye-eye-eye-eye-land...it was the first test of my "no crap food, no booze" pledge.  I went out for Mexican at one of my favorite local dives and am happy and proud to report that not one chip did I eat, not one sip of margarita did I have.  I ordered tacos al carbon and ate the meat out of them, left the tortillas all lonely, unfilled, and uneaten on the plate.  That probably doesn't happen much to tortillas.  At least now that folks aren't really into Adkins and South Beach anymore.  I remember going out for Tex-Mex with a couple of coworkers who both ordered cheese enchiladas while on Adkins.  They pried open the gooey tortilla, scooped out all the cheesy guts, and that was all they ate for lunch. Cheesy enchilada guts.  In what world is that healthy, I ask you?  But anyway, my tortillas stayed right there on the plate, and all the chips stayed in the basket, and all the margarita stayed in the glass.  Well, not all of it, but it didn't end up in my tummy.

AND when I got home, I almost threw on my jammies and settled in for a nice evening of reality TV and Pinterest browsing, but instead, I donned my exercise stuff and headed up to my workout room for some Helliptical time.  Which, by the way, was horribly boring.  But I did it.  So yesterday, a victory in all ways.  Go Me!!!

Now, this morning, when I rolled over to shut off the alarm, I noticed that all of the upper body parts I have were sore.  P90X is designed to work different parts of you on different days, not all the upper body crammed next to each other.  So because I can't do the plyo days (jumping is out) or the lower body days (no lunges for me), or KenpoX (kick boxing has too much pivoting) and because I HATE YOGA, I decided today would be my P90X rest day, and I'd hit upper body again tomorrow.  Tonight is more Helliptical.  I bet you can hear how thrilled I am at having to do that again tonight.  But I can't make spin class, so the Helliptical is my only option.  I'm gonna have to get a spin bike for home or find a way to love the Helliptical and Dreadmill, or this is gonna be a long 261 days, folks!

I hope whatever your New Year's Resolutions may be that you can sing to yourself the "I am a rock, I am an eye-eye-eye-eye-land" song today!!  Or a cooler version of a song about being a rock.  Share if you know any.  I know songs about wanting to rock, knowing how to rock, loving rock, I like the movie "The Rock" and I like the wrestler dude "The Rock" but being a rock...that's the only one I could come up with.
 

Day 2: if you need a workout buddy, I do not recommend cats

Day 2 of :Mudder, Take 2" training going well...yesterday P90X + killer spin class = day 1 goal met.  So that's 1 down, 262 days to go.

Oh, also, I have turned down yummy Mexican food and booze twice this week already.  And it's only Wednesday!! I should get major snaps for that.  I have pledged that I'm not going to drink or eat crap during training.  Of course, that was before I did the handy-dandy little app that calculates how many days are between today and the Mudder.  262.5 days is a looooooooooooong time to be on the "no booze or crap food" wagon.  The only other time I've gone that long without a margarita was when I was pregnant with my daughter.  The good thing is that I'm not a person who likes the taste of wine or beer, so it's really the fruity (loaded with sugar/empty calories) mixed drinks that I like, and I don't make one of those after a long day at the office, just when I'm out with my girls.  Knowing that I was able to stay away from them for 9 months once before tells me I have what it takes to do it again.  So, friends, snatch me up as your all-time designated driver--I am officially as dry as Yoakum County, Texas.  (PS, why would anyone want to live in a place where you couldn't buy a margarita????  Thanks to Google, I can tell you there are 22 such counties in our great State!).

It's all water, all the time, for this Mudder-to-Be.  That's all I drink anyway.  That and booze.  And I used to drink ChickFilA lemonade on occasion, but I haven't had one of those in months.  I tried to make some with my lemons that grew on my lime tree last month, but I had to add so much sugar to make it drink-able that I decided I'd leave the fresh lemonade making to others.  So anyway, now it's just water.

P90X this morning was a good one.  I like Shoulders and Arms day...it gets results quick.  I remember when I was religiously doing it the last go 'round, I'd get sidetracked at work by my biceps.  I liked watching them flex.  Weird, right?  Well, still, I'm excited to get them all ripped looking.  Even though it's 30 degrees this week in Houston, sleeveless top weather is right around the corner, and this year, my arms are gonna be ready.

The only challenge this morning was my cat, Joey.  He decided to sneak out last night when we let the dogs out for their bedtime potty break, and I couldn't find him when my own bedtime rolled around.  So he got to sleep outside.  Let me tell you, Joey likes camping just about as much as I do, and was waiting for me this morning when I let the puppies out again.  He is an odd cat, loves me to death but apparently hates everyone else.  He has to be sitting or laying on me whenever I'm still, and when I'm not, has to be trying to jump up on me somehow.  This morning, he was leaping off the bed at me while I was doing shoulder presses.  He almost got clocked in the head with a dumbbell.  He then changed his plan of attack, and started winding around my feet and standing on his back legs to try and paw his way up into my P90X-ing arms.  Not helpful, so Joey got banished from the bedroom.

Tonight will be a home-cardio night.  No spin classes on Wednesday, and I can't go back to my favorite dancey class because it was responsible for my probably meniscus tear in the first place.  So elliptical in the home gym is on tap.  The challenge will be not stopping after 5 minutes when I get bored.  It's  not as bad as the dreaded treadmill (the "dreadmill??"  hahah!!), but it's too easy to stop and go do something else.  I have to constantly remind myself to keep going.  No, watching TV doesn't help.  Listening to music does a bit.  But still...I'm not a huge fan.  But I am NOT going to break my streak on Day 2, so an hour on the Helliptical it is.

Speaking of cats sucking as workout buddies, I'm not hearing from my non-feline Mudder team members...roll call people!  Are you IN???  ;)

Day 1, take 2: I've missed you Tony! Uh, not really.

As promised, it's January, and I'm back for round 2 of Tough Mudder training.  I toyed with changing the name of the blog to something less whiney-baby and more bada$$, but truthfully, based on this morning's performance at P90x, I literally might die during the Tough Mudder.  I've got a long way to go--again--folks!!

This was the first time back at P90x since The Great Knee Injury of August 2012, and because of The Great Knee Injury of August 2012, I will be modifying Tony's suggested regimen a bit--no plyometrics, no lunges, no squats.  Today was chest and back, aka, every-kind-of-push-up-and-pull-up-known-to-man.  And to refresh my and everyone else's memory, when I stopped P90x because of The Great Knee Injury of August 2012, I was up to 15 standard push-ups in a row and could even do a couple of Tony's more crazy offerings (one-handed push-ups, those crazy flying push-ups).  Not well, but I could do them.

Today, well, no.  I did 4 standard push-ups before hitting my knees, where I stayed for all push-ups in today's class.  Doesn't take long to lose that muscle, huh?  But hey, I have 9 months.  I am shooting for Mega Bad-A$$ Queen of All Push-Ups by the time the Mudder rolls around.

Okay, workout plan to get ready for this nightmare of a race is as follows:
--first 90 days--P90x in the a.m., cardio at the gym in the p.m., one run a week
--second 90 days--CrossFit, cardio at the gym, add distance to get up to 15 miles in the runs
--third 90 days--a little bit of everything and TRY NOT TO GET HURT

This time around, I have a few more folks who are willing to get muddy with me.  We're gonna have fun, y'all, and I promise, we won't die!!  Well, no one ever has before, so that's about as good a guarantee as I can give ya!  ;)

Here we go...

Day 29--Farewell, for now

So the Tough Mudder was last weekend, and I am so very proud to say that my very dear friend ROCKED IT, Vegas Style.  Nice job, Mi Querido Amigo!!!

I, however, did not, for reasons already explained in the last installment of this blog.

I will be doing the Mudder in October of 2013, and I'll be back to talk about the Adventures in Mudder Training in January.  So stay tuned...

But even though I didn't do my Mudder, the journey worked to almost get there worked the way it was supposed to.  It's been almost 5 months to the day since The One Who Broke My Heart broke my heart.  And while it's not completely healed yet and may never be, I can honestly say that I am good.  I am happy.  I am strong.  And I still think that life is pretty amazing.

I'm in a fabulous new career, something I never really thought was possible.  I absolutely love it--I actually get paid to make new friends, and what in the world could be better for a girl who loves to make new friends??  Seriously, it's hard work, but it's something I think I'm getting good at, and I love going to work every day.  I feel so lucky, and I honestly don't think I'd have taken the steps to get there without having gone through all of this.  It made me look at my life, look at what really makes me happy, and decide to take a leap of faith on something a little uncertain, a little scary, but something that had the potential to make me very happy for a very long time.  The girl I was 6 months ago might not have taken the risk, too scared to fail.  But there's something very powerful about losing someone you love; it forces you not to take anything in your life for granted, not even one minute of one day.  Just go get what you want and be happy.  Because life is too short not to be anything but completely happy.

My babygirl is doing great, in school and in life, and I couldn't be prouder.  She's the one person I truly can't live without.  There were times when I felt like I might die without him, my soulmate, but it didn't happen.  Having her to take care of, my sweet girl who depended on me not to fall apart...she kept me moving forward even when I didn't want to.  She inspired me to try this Mudder thing even though it wasn't anything I ever thought I could do.  I want to finish it for her next year, to show her that her old mom is a fighter.  Not because she's trying to block out a painful break-up.  But just because she's a bad a$$.  Period.
Maybe then when she hits her teen years, she won't give me so much grief.  If she knows I can do one-armed push-ups, hopefully she'll tow the line.  ;)

Dating...let's see...happy to say that I'm actually trying some of that.  It feels a long way from the Sunday afternoon about a month ago when I had a panic attack after filling out the EHarmony questionnaire just to see who they'd match me up with and figuring out that I was actually out there for all of the EHarmony world to see.  I freaked out and shut it down after about 20 minutes.  No need to go into any details here (after all, I'm not Carrie Bradshaw, though I'd love to have all of her shoes.  And Mr. Big!!!), but suffice it to say I'm having fun.

My knee seems to be ready to go again.  I'm going to head back to the gym this weekend and get moving.  I'm planning to start back with P90X on Monday.  I have missed it, I really have.  I actually like being the chick who hates to miss a spin class and can do 15 guy push-ups in a row (so far--shooting for many more this time around!).  But I'm going slow to make sure I don't hurt it again, so my goal to have my spin certification by my birthday in December might have to be adjusted a little.

I'll be back in the New Year to get ready for Tough Mudder 2013.  Maybe before if I find a snake in my closet.  I started all of this thinking I might actually die doing the Mudder, and now I think I'd have done it and survived.  It wouldn't have been pretty, but I would have finished.  And all those times I felt like losing him might just kill me seem pretty far away now.  It wasn't pretty sometimes, but I survived.  I believed I could, so I did.

Next year, I think I'll change the name of the blog from "I think I just might die, but hopefully not," to something more bad a$$ey.  Of course, the old name has a certain charm...we'll have to see how I'm feeling at the beginning of 2013, I guess.

It's been fun to chronicle my training adventures on here, and it's been therapeutic to talk about all the mushy stuff.  So thanks to all who put up with both.

Till 2013, or a snake finds its way into my closet again, this is farewell.  Bye y'all!!

Day 28--I'm calling this thing...Tough Mudder 2013, here I come!

Yes, I know the whole purpose of this thing was not to quit.  Trust me, I do not do this easily.

It's the knee.  I hurt it two Fridays ago doing a cutesy little dance move in Soul Grooves.  Sooooooooo incredibly frustrating because we do all these plyo moves in there, and I've done the P90X craziness, and I'm spinning 3-5 hours a week, plus I've been increasing my run distance (6 miles two weeks ago), but the thing that gets me is a little samba move.  Yeesh!!  I've said from the beginning I have no business in Zumba or Soul Grooves because I can't move like my beautiful instructors can.  I guess I proved it by jacking up my knee doing something so little.  I felt it when it happened, but because I didn't want to quit, I finished class and went to spin after for another hour-long class after that.

I haven't made it back to the gym since.

I've been icing it and resting it, and I thought it might have been feeling better, but after spending the day at the beach yesterday, my stupid knee was throbbing on the drive home.  I wasn't doing anything crazy, but just being up on it took a toll.  Came home last night and iced it again but it still hurts today.  After a consultation with my Tough Mudder Partner and his brilliant doctor girlfriend (who is as much of a Bad A$$ as he is--she's training for her first Iron Man), seems like the smart thing to do is call this thing now and not risk worsening the injury.

I was seriously considering transferring my Mudder registration to the one in Tampa for the first weekend in December, my birthday weekend.  But not really sure how long I'll be off the knee, and then how much time I'll need to get back in the swing of things (can I just say I HATE that I can't go to the gym!?!?), so as much as I'd like to get this thing done before year's end, I've decided to set my sights on the October 2013 Mudder right here in Houston.  

In the meantime, I'm going to focus on getting myself certified to teach spin by the end of 2012 and then start training hard again for the Mudder as soon as 2013 starts.

Hey, not the original plan, but yet another life lesson has presented itself on this crazy journey.  My life has certainly not turned out the way I planned.  I have always been a planner.  An organizer.  Someone who has to know how everything is going to turn out.  Until recently.  If you asked me at 17 or 22 or 27 or 32 if I thought I'd be here at 40, I'd have told you you were CRAZY.  Not me.  I was going to be happily married with 2.5 kids, successful legal career, white picket fence...a perfect little life tied up with a bow.

That is not the life I have.  But I have a great life.  I have the most amazing daughter who makes me proud everyday and makes me work to be the best mom I can possibly be.  I have the most wonderful parents who support me unconditionally who have taught me what it means to be loved.  I have the coolest friends--both old and new-- who make me laugh and love the crazy side of life and who have been through so much with me; they're all priceless.  And even though we're not together anymore, I still consider myself lucky for the time I did have with the man I still consider my soul mate.  The short time we spent together restored my faith in true love and my belief that I can be totally and completely happy with another person.

So, not the original plan, but I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's.  I am a lucky girl, and I'm not going to be down for a second that the stupid knee is keeping me from earning my orange headband in two weeks.  Because I know I'll earn it.  And the original goal has definitely been met:  I am a much stronger person than I was when I started this journey.  And I keep getting stronger every day.

The Mudder in 2013...you know 13 is my lucky number, right?  Maybe I'll change the title of my blog.  I'm not worried about dying anymore.  I kinda think I'd like to rock this thing next year, not just survive it.  But it's kind of a catchy title, so I'll stick with it for now.

Oh, by the way, if anyone's looking for a goal for the new year, join me.  I promise you won't die.

Day 27--The Goddess of Doing Stupid Things that Hurt

Well, maybe not "stupid" things.  Really more like hard or challenging or scary.  But it was a much catchier response to the exbf calling me a goddess than The Goddess of Doing Things That Are Hard and That She Never Thought She Could Do and That Really Hurt.

The Mudder is a month and two days away.  [Pause here for a blood curdling scream].

I celebrated my progress and my last month until The Reckoning by spending the long weekend with my adopted family.  We didn't go out for happy umbrella drinks because one of my adopted sisters is pregnant, but we did do a nice lunch and day at the spa.  Then I went with my other adopted sister to get a tattoo.  I'd seen a quote on Pinterest that really summed up this journey I'm on, and I thought it would make a really pretty tattoo. 

I was not sure where to put it, though, but thanks to Pinterest again, I decided on my left side ribcage.  All of the Pinterest people look really happy with their choice of putting their pretty tattoos there.  When I told folks I was thinking of getting one there, everyone reacted the same way: "ouch."  But really, how painful could seven little words be?

Really painful.  REALLY FRICKIN' PAINFUL. But I had a great tattoo artist and my own cheering section providing fuzzy blankets for me when I got cold and foot massages for me when the pain was tough.  Sounds like I'm telling the story of when my daughter was born.  At least I had Demerol then.  And an epidural.  Either or both would have been nice with the tattoo.  When he got to the last letter of the last word, we all cheered.  And then it was done.  And I love the way it looks, but even more than that, I am proud of myself for getting through it.

It may seem like I'm into pain lately, or maybe having a midlife crisis, but I can attest that I do not at all like things to hurt, and I'm not at all in crisis mode.  I have always avoided anything painful, and certainly never tried to do things that I knew would hurt.  If they hurt, or if I thought they might, forget it.  That's what I'm trying to change...I'm trying to make myself pain-resistant.  A kick-a$$ version of my old self.  An X-man or an Avenger.  An Immortal.  A Goddess...

"She believed she could so she did."  I've looked up the quote, trying to figure out if it comes from a movie or a book.  No luck so far, so I'm claiming it as my own.  You can accomplish anything if you believe in yourself, or put another way, if you don't believe in yourself, you'll never accomplish anything.  I chose the Mudder because it was something hard, something that would certainly be painful, something I'd have to dig deep to get through. Really really hard.  The kind of thing that most people don't do.  Two and a half months ago, I was nowhere near ready to tackle it.  But I believed that I would be by the time I get to the course on October 6th.  Now, here we are, in our last month.  I admit I'm scared.  I can't even imagine how scared I'll be the day of.  But this journey is to force me to deal with painful things and endure hard things so I can come out on the other side this amazing new stronger version of myself.   I know when I get to that finish line, I will be proud of myself for getting through it.

Your resident Goddess of Doing Stupid Things That Hurt did more than just get a tattoo this weekend.  I saw the exbf for the first time since the break up.  And it wasn't hard at all...it was so easy, actually.  Easy just like it always was.  We had a really nice visit.  It was great to know we really can be friends.  People say that all the time, but most can't really do it because it's too hard.  It wasn't hard at all to be his friend.  The painful part was that it was so easy, and that two people who have fun together and care about each other have no future.  But even though that part hurt, that was nothing new, and I was proud of myself for getting through it.

Maybe none of these things will ever truly make me resistant to pain.  I guess that's pretty impossible if you choose to still do the things that can hurt, like loving people, believing in fairy tales and happily ever after, wishing for a happy ending to your own story.  I absolutely choose to do all those things, which I guess earns me the title of Goddess of Doing Stupid Things That Hurt.  But what would life be life if I didn't?  Not the kind I will be proud of myself for getting through.

You can't avoid pain.  But if you are strong, and you have cheerleaders to help you through it, it definitely won't kill you.