I already promised/warned that the subject of letting go would probably be one I'd have to blather on about a lot during these next four months. Same disclaimer as before: don't read it if you don't want a glimpse into my broken soul.
I'm a huge Adam Lambert fan. Judge all you want. No effect on me. I think he's brilliant. And beautiful. And his new album just came out this week. There's a song on it called "Underneath." And it's about honesty and seeing a person completely. All the scars we try to hide from people, all the pain we pretend doesn't exist.
I'm not pretending. Not here. I won't get where I need to go if I do.
So underneath, I'm frozen. I'm stuck in this weird emotional purgatory where I can't go forward and I can't go back.
I'm sure there will be many times on that obstacle course from hell where I'll feel the same way--I will have to climb that wall or crawl under that barbed wire or run through that fire, and I'm not going to want to go forward. Because where I am is safe. I can't get hurt more standing still. Well, unless some other Mudder runs my frozen butt down on the course. But aside from that, if I don't move, I'm okay. Still hurting from surviving the first part of the course, but no new pain, no new risks.
Problem with that is, I'll be there forever. Stuck. Because I won't be able to go back. The only way through is to go forward. If my Tough Mudder partner and team are reading, be prepared to just push me. I might not want to go. I might even cry. Well, I think that's a given. I will cry. But I will have to move forward.
Just like I have to do now. I might need a push or two or ten, but standing still is not an option.
The only song that comes to mind is "Push It" by Salt and Pepa, which really doesn't fit the situation, but it's sure fun to dance to on a Friday afternoon. So all you fly mothas, get on out there and dance. Dance I said.
And with that, I'm off to take a step forward...
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